i hope this woman lives forever
I like to think that the words of my mouth have some sustenance. I also like to think that they are my weapon of choice. When the walls around me begin to crumble I slowly rebuild. syllable by syllable. I like to pick apart why people act the way they do and what compels them to be who they are. I have a very hard time sympathizing with other people. It is my fatal flaw. among many others. My heart is heavy with the transgressions of others, but i some how feel alone. I have no idea how all of this came to be, but I like to write it all down before I loose it. I get euphoric when I write. It becomes more of an outer body experience than anything. I don’t feel like I don’t have anyone intelligent enough to talk to, I feel like I don’t have anyone Intelligent enough to listen. Not anymore at least. My final thought is this, Love does not simply go away. You can not heal from heart break. you loose touch. go numb. and eventually you just learn to keep everyone at arms length. not because you want to, because you have to.
Imagine if the series had ended right after this moment.
Sometimes I get suck in what ifs and I think about reading catcher in the rye in my underwear and listening to whatever and ever amen on repeat. I loved cuffing your jeans and leaving you messages. Third drawer down. I hope you find it when you need it most. One day you will pay extra for guacamole.
I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL AND SAVE MONEY TO BUY NICE THINGS AND TRAVEL AND NOT BE IN BED CONSTANTLY AND NOT BE SAD AND NOT HAVE TO BE 5 FEET FROM A BATHROOM AT ALL TIMES AND NOT CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP ANYMORE AND I ALSO REALLY NEVER WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE A PAIN PILL AGAIN. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENCE AND SELF SUFFICIENT. I JUST WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND NOT FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE. WHAT SUCKS THE MOST IS THAT NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY. OR IM JUST TO ASHAMED TO TELL THEM. LIKE IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE BURDEN IVE BEEN BARING FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS. IM JUST SO READY TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. I JUST SWEAR TO GOD IF THE DOCTORS CANT FIGURE OUT WHATS WRONG WITH ME SOON IM GOING TO LOOSE ALL OF THE SHIT. ALL OF IT.